BREAKING! WACKY! SJU + PhillyU Girls Take to YikYak Demanding Cuddles!

By Byg O'ldeek 

TNZ Gossip 

Professors & TA's have noted a spike in cuddle graphs.

"Ready to cuddle in bed and watch Netflix. Fuck design workkkk :(" 

"Perfect cuddling and Netflix weather. If only I had someone to cuddle with..." 

"Don't really want a relationship but would be nice to cuddle and watch movies every once in a while other than just fucking on the weekends." 

-YikYak

Just what is it you boys don't understand about this deal? Like, do you think we sit around and wait for your little inky winky to arrive? Well, hah, we do a little, it's just not what it's all about. I wanna spend time with you, boy. Get to know you, boy. I wanna make love while we use my Dad's Netflix Queue, boy. 

Come over during the week. Catch me in the rain, and leave your shoes at the door, boy. Take it off, take it all off, let me dry that for you boy. You rest up, catch up on some seasons of New Girl. Lemme get you caught up on that plot development, boy. 

Take control of the cuddle. You be the spooner, i'll be the spoonee, boy. Let's take this relationship from Park Chan-wook's Oldboy to Anthony Bordain's Parts Unknown, boy. And when your friends call with some plans on the town, put that phone under the pillow, boy. 

'Cause this is what it's all about, baby. 5% lovin', 40% cuddles, the rest is just drama, boy. Don't you know that, boy? Damn, just sit, boy, be my toy, boy. 

When it's morning, boy - leave me. Don't say goodbye, no kisses, I understand what it isn't. But be back by 4, and bring me some popcorn? Heck, it's $4.95 - bring me a couple. Boy make me chuckle, pretend we're a couple, if we argue console me with tears make me chuckle. Damn, can't you see the value, boy? Netflix and some cuddles that's the answer, boy. 

Come by my room, boy. Enjoy it. Time for you to play toy, boy. 

New Event: Parent Visit

Teen at Mike's Pizza: "Nom. Nom. Baarf squfshkrll"

It's the morning's first hour on Main Street just past the Mad River. Officers are appreciative spectators of a young brunette wearing, as far as the officers' knowledge allows, a dark trash bag and some face paint.

"I'm so hungry. I want Mikes now." Pronounced "Ish bish bagooby, hooby dooby doo." It's all Officer Chris Riley heard before little lady blew spit all up the wall.

"Move along young lady. Past your bedtime."

From across the way someone from inside Mad River saw what was happening and rushed out to help. "What the - where do you think you're going get back inside. You're good for two or three more drinks girl!"

"Now wait a minute buster, did you check her ID? She looks underage to me."

Girl: "I'm 18." Pronounced "I'm 21."

The officers closed up their shop for the night. It was late, too late. "Well alright then. Get moving. And don't let me see you this drunk out here again, little darlin'."

"Yes sir." Pronounced "Fuck off."

New Character: Sneaky Happy Hour SOB

New Event: Netflix Weekend Bing

New Character : Unemployed Recent College Graduate

SJU Girl on YikYak: "Do it!" SJU Boy on YikYak: "Yea, do it!"

*PROMOTION

Do You Have Questions? Fears? Are You Lonely? 

-->  PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE? <---

introducing.......

YIKYAK! 

(crowd murmurs) "What's that?" "WEEE!" "YikYak!" "Am I the only one alone tonight?" "You are!" 

 Schoolboys! Wishers! Dreamers! Livers Learners Loners! 

did we mention this paranoia driven emotional roller coaster is FREE FREE FREE?! 

Kelly Ann Shimpsky (Anonymous) : "Yesterday I asked YikYak a really naughty question. I would never ever ask a friend that in real life. I'm just not that type of gal!" 

Billy Jean Jack (Anonymous) : "I use YikYak to vent about roommate problems! It's so effective, like, my roommate totally probly thinks it's me - that'll get 'im! 

YikYak is the newest lovechild of web 2.0 technology and teen angst. Such features as:

• Pose as anyone! 
• Geotag, but not really! 
• See what's wrong with the college experience NATIONWIDE! Your pick, sport! 
• Upvote, or (ruh-roh scooby doo!) Downvote!

But wait, there's more! YikYak only welcomes "quality content". If you're not cool, you're suspended! And hey you High School kids, scram! No kiddy drama welcome here!

And guess what? "what?!" It works works works! Just take a look at some of these Yaks! Cool!!!!!!

"When are the PhillyU girls gonna realize the guys are their school are a bunch of mouthbreathers and that they move on to the SJU guys?" +2  Nice! So True! 

"The minute school started I stopped trying." +12 Haha, that's the way! Get them!

"Manayunk is tainted with hipsters. Thanks PhilaU." +16 Good one, SJU! Let's see this rivalry play out on the gridiron! Grrr! 

YIKYAK

'Kind of like Twitter, Mixed with some Reddit, sprinkled with some human development flaws' 

Musical Cars Rule Card

New Playing Card: Passive Aggressive Landlord

Moms Battle Over Pickup and Dropoff Terms

The mothers of best buddies and old neighbors Murph and Cliff have had a tough time adjusting to the Bowers' new move. Every hangout is a battle of the terms. 

Below a transcript ending in a signature Sandy move.

"So they'll hang out until tomorrow?" 

"Yea, yea tomorrow." 

"Great well - I - guess I'll pick him up in the morning?" 

"Yea whatever time works for you just come on by." 

"Such a shame we live so far away from each other." 

"It's terrible house for sale next door why don't ya move in!" 

"Haha!" 

"Ha...haaaa alright well I'll see you tomorrow morning outside my front door?" 

"Sure. Ok sweetie have a great night do you have your toothbrush, and your toothpaste, and do you want Mommy to pick you up tomorrow?" 

"Yes, yes see you tomorrow morning mom." 

"Ok we're gonna have to run a LOT of errands after I get you. If you want to stay longer maybe Mrs. Bowers can drop you off in the afternoon. Would that be fun for you?!" 

"Yea!" 

"Great, thanks so much Betty Bowers you are the best cya tomorrow!" 

CVS Employee Cig Breaks Up 40%

Brian Dae was attacked, harassed and passed on by a group of CVS employees unhappy with the direction Corporate was taking their company. Below is the story as told by Mr. Dae to report Kiki Strawberry on June the 1st.

"Hi, do you not carry cigarettes here?"

Behind the register: QUIT NOW. NO SMOKING. WE'LL HELP. NO CIGARETTES.

"We don't, why? Are you trying to quit?"
"No I'm trying to smoke."
"We can help you quit."
"Can you point me to the nearest cigarette distributor on this street?"

*whispers from under counter* "help me!"
"What?"
An impatient old lady with nowhere to ever be again chimed in, "Excuse me, sir, the 7/11 on Ridge will sell you cigarettes."
"Thank you, ma'am."
Brian gave the employee a nod and made his way to the car. But when he opened the vehicle door he was startled by that same under the counter noise.

"Psst. Pssssst. Hey, you."

Frazzled, Mr. Dae kicked at the man and rolled onto his car hood.

"Oh, fuck. Shouldn't have jumped out at you."

A wild CVS employee!

At this point Mr. Dae "Didn't know a) how he got out here this quickly and b) why he was under my car whispering to me. I was really actually afraid."

The employee would go on to offer sexual favors in exchange for a few cigarettes.

Mr. Dae made it clear - "Man you've got a fucking problem!"
"Come on I'll suck your dick!"
"How about you start selling cigarettes again or go get some yourself."
"I can't, the boss, he won't let us be seen with 'em. I need this job I love this job."

Then, as Mr. Dae describes it, "A pack of wild CVS employees pushed open the lid of a trash bin from the inside. A house on fire wouldn't have produced as much smoke as those few employees had in that trashcan. They had gone through FOURTY-THREE packs of Marlboro Blacks. 2 were unconscious and the third was probably already dead at that time. When this happened, the employee under my car stood up, skipped a few steps over, cartwheeled into the bin and kicked the lid shut. The employee that had made it out crawled to my feet and begged I take him to the hospital. When I told him I just wanted a pack of cigarettes he shook my hand, told me he respected that, and crawled back over into the trashcan. It was the weirdest fucking day of my life."

CVS has no plans on returning cigarettes to the counters.

'Musical Cars' Takes Manayunk by Storm

Straight on Green, right on Silverwood, left on Levering...the music starts!

(Play Gladiator's Honor Him now)

A Chrysler Crossfire darts out. It's baby red toes digging into its new playground. 10 meters up a beige Dodge Caliber cuts it off and dances up the mountain. Further up the hill a brand new PT-Cruiser bounces off some bumpers and onto the freeway.

It's the hippest game in Manayunk of late and it's got the people out of their seats.

It's Musical Cars, and here's how to play.

The game starts every weekday at 5 p.m., just when parking spots really fill up. Choose a 2 block radius with at least 4 other cars (5 total) and 3 friend homes. Designate a song, in this case Norman Greenbaum's 'Spirit in the Sky'.

When Rush Hour pours off 76 and that stop sign on Green and Silverwood starts to fill up, the 3 homeowners blast the song and the 5 parked cars jump out of their spots and make their way in a circles around the 2 block radius. When the music stops all cars find a spot.

Repeat until nobody can find a spot in that 2 block radius.

Loser keeps driving and picks up a dinner that is agreed upon before the competition.

Sportsmanship 
Speed limits: If there is only 1 spot left and 2 cars left, the car in a better position to get the spot can go as slow as 5 mph but he must keep moving. No stopping. 
Parking: If a competitor is in the process of backing into a spot you must honor his attempt one time. If he/she can not fit into the spot in 1 try, he/she must give up the spot and continue looking. You may now take that spot, trying as many times to park until the failed parker circumvents the block and returns all four wheels to the street of the open spot. If by then you yourself have failed to park, you too must leave the spot and make your way around the block.

Hunky Hawks Take Over Manayunk

Guest Poster
Texas Today
Chip Weston'


It was beer, women and bruises for Gus "Quick Draw" Canaugh, startin' pitcher for the Saint Joe's Hawks. It was Tuesday but who was keepin' track? He was young, fit and sticky with the women and tonight he was on a mission. A mission to Mars. Tonight would start with a little cologne and end with a lotta Chloe Sanchez, a little Dominicana Mama on scholarship from abroad.

"Hey babe, saw you in Chem. Thought of an equation when the Doc was mumbling on over some lingo shmingo."

Chloe was short, dark and friendly enough to respond in kind. Soundin' like an undercover Lela Bunny this pretty little lady remembered this face. He banged her friend in the shower, her sister in the bed and her mom in on the fire escape.

To her evil side: "Good luck, handsome."

 "Oh yea, Big Papa, what's that?"
"Me, you and a bottle of tequila. I'm thinkin' we start fast and end even quicker, me first of course the lady comes last when the Quick Draw comes a knockin'."

From the left, a swarm of pretty little underage ladies piled out the bathroom and onto the dance floor.

"Hey, is that him?"

A friendly little bartender was happy to oblige. He was a fan of Gus himself and, fuck it, why not mix a little chaos with tonight's tips?

"That's him! That's Quick Draw!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A friendly little frenzy on the Mad River steps pursued Quick Draw grabbed the ladies arm and made a move for an Uber. Not so fast said the crush from Santa Monica, I want me some Quick Draw tonight and Ms. Dominicana has GOT-to wait for her ticket to turn up.

Little Chrissy slipped through the crowd and onto the scene, she took out a club and clubbed the lady's knees.

"You're comin' home with me, you're comin' home with us, I'd like myself a baby but if not I'll take it rough."

Hunks. They take over Manayunk. Baseball Players. They're hunks.

Signing off.

Local Sucker Drives Somewhere After 5 p.m.

Pshht, people with lives.

Jenny Coocoo had an appointment with 2 Margaritas and an old friend Thursday after work. Only problem was, 'after work' was after 5 p.m.

And in this town, you don't leave home after 5 p.m. Unless you're a sucker.

Poor little Jenny Coocoo would go to re-spark one of the most fulfilling relationships she's ever fallen out of when a 2003 pale orange Toyota Corola would peek through a tree and a corner home, sneaking around the corner like the assassin it was built to play.

Jenny pulled out of that spot Thursday evening. She went to see that friend, and they had a great time.

But at what cost? At what cost, Jenny?

You see, Jenny got home that night and had to park on top of the hill. She parked and walked, and walked and walked, and walked - and walked.

That pale orange Corolla? It slept. It bathed in the oily spillage of an air-headed prey. And when the sun rose the next day it rose on the pale orange, peeling paint job of a born killer.

Jenny's spot was at the top of the hill, staying cool under the trees, ashamed of the owner it never chose.

Where Is All the Kitten Poop? Part I

Investigative Journalist Ron Wonstein
Midnight, October the 8th

I got my day started in the usual Manayunk fashion. Up, showered and readied, eaten and out the door. I arrived at my car early enough to hate myself for holding a job that requires me to be first out of town every day in a neighborhood populated mostly by commuters.

This day was different. Today I wouldn't go to work, I wouldn't get harassed I wouldn't be bullied I wouldn't have to hide with the Janitor from 3-6 in an abandoned corner office while the executives held their weekly "loyalty reviews".

Today I would see a kitten and wonder just where it pooped.

I don't mean specifically this little black button, I mean all cats. I see white cats, black cats, white and black cats, and dirty cats all over this town. Babies, grown ups, grandfathers, dads, uncles, brothers and others.

But I've never seen the poop to prove they're really there and it's not just my medication.

Today lead investigative Journalist Ron Wonstein would find the poop. He would find the poop and then he would find some more. Eventually, he'd find something that wasn't ever meant to be found.

He would find - Mama Kitten. And her poop too.

"Fifa > Manayunk."

All Brian Hoyle really wanted to do was post up on a bean bag with a few beers and an open schedule. It was time for FIFA Ultimate Team. There would be wins, there would be losses, players would be bought, sold, signed and let go. It was to be an emotional Friday night. One that would demand Brian's focus and give purpose to all the food soon to expire in the kitchen area.

But then the girlfriend called. (reader exhales)

"Hey I wanna go to Manayunk tonight. Let's go to Mad River, Castle Roxx AND Kildaire's. Let's take a cab, you pay and I'll get it on the way back. Chris iss here for the weekend, too! Remember, my friend that threw up on your face? I told him he could sleep at your place."

Blow, after blow, after blow, after blow.

I ask the reader to mourn with me. Feel Brian.

It's nothing against a relationship, nothing wrong with a sleepover or a night in Manayunk. It's just, at that moment, when you've fully committed to Ultimate Team, and I mean emotionally committed, when that's done and it doesn't happen - that's worth mourning.

I beg all significant others to think before they call. What time is it? What is he/she doing? Could they have already invested themselves emotionally in a Netflix binge? In a Madden tournament? On the latter I hope not, but the former I pray for.

Think before you Manayunk. Many times this town isn't the problem, it's the victim.

God bless you all.

Reverend Brown

Green Lane Hill Leaves Big Trucks in Identity Crisis

About 300 cars were backed up at the Silverwood Street stop sign last Thursday waiting for a Trash Truck to remember if it had an engine or not. 

Paul Stangood, the 299th car, stepped out of his vehicle and onto the sandy Jerusalem dune's, setup a telescope and phoned ahead to his buddy in Manayunk on a Satellite Phone to figure out just what the hold up was. 

"Ahh it looks like a Trash Truck can't make it up the hill. Then there's another Truck trying to pass, not sure if that one knows if it has a steering wheel or not." 

...

UPDATE: Paul Stangood, 89, died today of old age. The truck remains on Green Lane. 

"It's a Jumper!" "No, That Man is on a Run."

911 responded to multiple calls last Wednesday over a jumper on the Manayunk Bridge. Between 6 a.m. and 12 p.m. 9 seperate cars arrived to guide the man off the ledge. Only, so sadly, he wasn't on the ledge. He was on a run.

"911, hello?!", the caller could barely catch his breath. "911, hello, this is Chuck Hughbecha, I'm 32 years old and I still hang out at 7/11 often. There is man, on the bridge, he's gonna ju--- he's gonna jump!"

For the fourth time an officer blasted through the confusion that is those 2 traffic lights near the 76 ramps and cut off traffic.

"Stop! Don't do it! Parking here in winter isn't that bad!"

Everyone was out of their car calling loved ones, tweeting, Instagramming and reshooting the Instagram when they felt the picture wouldn't resonate with followers.

"For christ sake, I'm on a run!"
The Officer simply wouldn't back down from the line of duty. "I won't let you run off that bridge Skipper! Not - on - my - watch!"

The Officer fell to his stomach and started crawling across the bridge. Over his mic, "This is breaker bogie h-vac 1. I'm making a move on the pickle jar I repeat I am making a move on this fucking pickle jar!"

"What are you doing?! I've told the other 3 Cops I'm running! I am a slow runner!"

The officer got up to his feet and charged the man, tackling and handcuffing him. The people cheered mightily. The Officer moved his vehicle to the site, jamming it up on the sidewalk because who really obeys traffic around here anyway, and called the runners family.

"Chuck? He's on a run he's not jumping. Christ do you people talk over those mics this is the 4th time today."
"Are you saying this man was running?"
"YES!"
"Well I'll be damned. Really sir?"
"It was more of a jog."
"A jog? That?"
"It was a walk I'm working back into shape."
"God, what happened to you. Ok, you can go."

Chuck would return to his spot only to be stopped, saved and cheered 5 more times that day. Don't be out of shape, join Never Give Up gym today! Or Planet Fitness if money is a thing for you!

Innovative "Sad Hour" Coming to Select Manayunk Restaurant Bars

Weekday happy hours in this town really aren't that happy. The deals are phenomenal, just sacrifice ONE pack of cigarettes, for your health, and you could have a shot and a beer from Castle Roxx any day of the week.

Happy Hours, a lot of the hours, are actually sad.

So sad, in fact, that an unconfirmed group of restaurants will replace Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday happy hours with Sad Hours.

"Basically, our staff comes in at 3 for the night shift. From 3 to 5, nobody comes in. From 5 to 7, a few people trickle in for the deals. We all love it here. Really, we all love it here, but  those hours are very lonely for us."

Another shop owner, "Yesterday I came in and the chalk board outside that should read 'HAPPY HOURS YEA COME ON IN!' read 'The hour has cometh, and the hour has goneth - empty my wallet be.' It really turned customers off, but it was a real wake up call for management."

When I arrived to get some details from one owner yesterday she was donning an all black gown reading poetry somberly on the bartop as the servers gathered around with forks, knives and spoons giving her a tune on glassware, pots and unused Happy Hour cards.

"Why smile at the hour,
The hour of the fifth,
Why smile at the hour when the people choose Netflix.
Why smile at the hour,
The hour of the sixth,
Why smile at this hour,
Why smile, why exist?"

Sad Hour coming soon.

Lies to Impress the Server at Han Dynasty

All fa(lies)cts read in the voice of the great Reid 

The Han were tribal people, typically migration season was from April to May. The other months, typically, were spent collecting crops, seeing to the needs of the commons and conquering nearby peoples. 

The leader, the main leader for the longest period of time, he has post-humously been referred to as Emperor Shweng Zou. Shweng Zu was a craftsmen, a tradesmen, a politician, and a father. He gave bath to 19 children, mostly from brothers, sisters or passerby. 

The popular export of the time was Wheat. It grew an excess, the rain in that time period of earth was constantly falling. Meteorologists think it could have, likely, had something to do with the Moonlight. Specifically the way the Hans would cultivate the moonlight and use it for soil and better child care in the public domain. 

It's unpopular in the scholarly community but, from what my research indicates, 10 in 12 boys were born with an erect penis during Sweng Zou's reign at the Han's helm. It's my opinion that revolutionary birthing methods and a preference to bathe the baby immediately after ejaculation gave rise to their manly organs. 

Dinner was served at breakfast during the Han's reign. Typically breakfast was a light pasta dish with a side of bread. What we think today of as Italian was actually developed by the Han. 

Tobacco farms, specifically ones that grew, prepared and distributed the finished product, were thought to be the biggest killers of the era. Tobacco packets or, more appropriately blood money, were sold with a warning on the package "smoke or die".

Cactus Waitress to Puppy: "Hacoochiepoochiehoo? Ha-bloopy-doopy-coopy-coo coo!"

Few left the Cactus Happy Hour satisfied last Wednesday when a Waitress, Cindy Luke, couldn't complete the order requests before having an adorable meltdown in the streets.

"Can I start you off with IS THAT A DOG?"
"It is. Her name is Lucille."

Beads of sweat falling down her face, Cindy did her best to contain herself. It wasn't enough.

"Can I start you with a - some wat - is that - what's she 3 maybe 4 weeks?"
"Yeah, she's about 6 we-"
"HUBABUBBA HOOPIE LOOP! HUBUBUBABUU LOO POO SHAMOOEY GAHGAH!"

The puppy was terrified and retreated the owner's back heel.

"Uh, do you want to pet her?"

Cindy's eyes jacked open and her head tilted, an ode to the Exchorcist. The owners wrapped the dog in their arms out of sheer terror, kicking at the waitress to "back off, down girl, down!"

"Hacoochiepoochiehoo? Ha-bloopy-doopy-coopy-coo coo!"

Owners made their getaway down Main. Cindy followed blindly into a car, rolling back at the feet of her final table of night.

"Welcome to Cactus can I start you with a waterrrrrrr?"

Children Put Abandoned Homes to Good Use!

September 15th, 2014
12:35 p.m.
Manayunk, Pennsylvania
Delila Goo - Street Reporter

Attention all neighbors! Good news! Those yucky looking houses aren't so yucky anymore. The Get Active campaign from the Manayunk Recreational Duty Allegiance took the red tape down and put the red balloons up to give children 6-12 a unique look at our neighborhood.

"Mommy, why is there a dead body hanging from that window?", asked Rudy, 6 year old son of  Allegiance Representative Glory Dae.

"It was so obvious to me. Like, why are dead bodies hanging from the window? Activate - Imagination! 'Those aren't dead bodies, sweetheart, they're ponies. Pretty little ponies you can poke and paint and prey on!'"

And poke and prey and paint little Rudy did, with 16 of his friends in one of 6 Houses of Dumbledoor open through Winter 2014. Children will be granted access to all abandoned homes to make them they're on.

"It's about paying rent, growing up, seeing what's real, getting them out of the homes and away from the screens!"

Rudy on his new home: "It's awesome!!! Mr. Andy has all of my friends over and we huff and puff and blow the paper mache walls down! And, when the smoke clears and everyone is rescued, we'll blow the roof down tomorrow!!"

God bless this town!

A StrEAT Festival for the Ages

All sorts of funky folk make their way to the annual StrEAT festival in Manayunk, but why are they really there. Top answers from a recent Neilsen study:

12-16: "Why was I raised here?" *weeps*

16-20: "I'm part of the real world, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

20-24: "A reason to spend all this cash I think I have!"

24-35: "Oh you know I think I'll work then, maybe I'll stop by after I write this report, and, you know, I'm just really busy all the time I don't really ever really eat but I guess I could walk down the street and, ugh you know what I'm just swamped." *Netflix*

35-50: "I'm hip, right?!?!"

50-beyond: "What happened to me?"

Manayunk Walk Of Shame Route Available on Google Maps

Living in a town built on a mountain isn't easy for a gal in heels, especially when all the honest employed are making their way to works serving judgement to your slutty ass.

Alas, Google Maps! 

A 'Walk of Shame' option will be made available to Manayunk residents just next to the Bus tab on the app, released first to iOS. 

Google Founder Sergie Brin:

"We have a lot of free cash on the books. We wanted to do something for the community. The data is clear, requests for walking directions between 6 and 10 am are higher in Manayunk, PA than any other town, city, state, nation or region of the earth. Research shows it's a legitimate issue for any age, walking home, being seen. 67% of respondents said they feel "ashamed" and "thirsty" the morning after. So, in conjunction with our Small Business initiative, we've developed an algorithm to keep you off of steep, popular streets and near popular restaurants on your way home." 

Mad River Bartender Squeals to Fuzz for Tip

"He hit her!" 

A frenzy ensued at Manayunk's Mad River late Tuesday night, around 9:00, when a young, young, young, young man struck a young, young, possiblyunderage, young girl 6 feet from the only place Police consistently stake on Main Street. 

A transcript of the conversation between the young, young Mad River representative and the Officer was made available to the Manayunk Times: 

Officer: "Now, Miss! Miss! Who hit who?" 

Bartender: "GREableshhh" 

Officer: "Mam have you been drinking?" 

3 SJU freshman scurry by with a dime bag of weed. 

Officer: "We just want to know for sure if this kid hit the woman in the short orange bag of potato chips. Can you confirm?" 

Bartender: "ShrememTIPjfks" 

Officer 2: "Skeet, I think she...wants a tip." 

Officer 1 tries to hand her a dollar bill, but she denies. 

Officer 2 chuckles : "Skeet, where ya been bud? (to bartender) Allawalleeboombayay." 

The Bartender does a Sims spins and lands on all fours, ass to badge. Bartender 2 rolls the dollar bill up and gently places it in her coochie pooch. 

Bartender: "This young man struck the victim at 11:27 p.m., the date is Tuesday September 9th." 

6 more Mad River bartenders dance out of the back like Oompa Loompa's to La Roux's 'Bulletproof'

ALL BARTENDERS: "He struck her, he struck her, we don't want his cash! He struck her, he struck her, please tip or please pass!" 

The male, 12, has been given a 3 month ban to the Mad River. 

White Woman: "Rents-y Shems-y, He's 9 Weeks Today!"

Financially illiterate white lady made an appearance today on Silverwood street, just past that huge metal staircase running the Planet Fitness out of town. This month's rent? A new labrador puppy. The dog is expected to grow to "95 pounds in 6 months" and "eats", both factors could hinder any leases being honored in the near future. "As far as my roommates and landlord are concerned, I'm on IR, Into Rexy!!!!" Factoring in the costs to keep her new friend happy, healthy, fed and homed, her roommates should see talks of October's rent open up just before the Vet she can't afford calls on a phone she didn't buy to tell her she owns a dog that needs investments she can't make.

Catch FIWL Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays 10 minutes past happy hour at Cooper's, Bourbon Blue or Taqueria Feliz.