BREAKING! WACKY! SJU + PhillyU Girls Take to YikYak Demanding Cuddles!

By Byg O'ldeek 

TNZ Gossip 

Professors & TA's have noted a spike in cuddle graphs.

"Ready to cuddle in bed and watch Netflix. Fuck design workkkk :(" 

"Perfect cuddling and Netflix weather. If only I had someone to cuddle with..." 

"Don't really want a relationship but would be nice to cuddle and watch movies every once in a while other than just fucking on the weekends." 

-YikYak

Just what is it you boys don't understand about this deal? Like, do you think we sit around and wait for your little inky winky to arrive? Well, hah, we do a little, it's just not what it's all about. I wanna spend time with you, boy. Get to know you, boy. I wanna make love while we use my Dad's Netflix Queue, boy. 

Come over during the week. Catch me in the rain, and leave your shoes at the door, boy. Take it off, take it all off, let me dry that for you boy. You rest up, catch up on some seasons of New Girl. Lemme get you caught up on that plot development, boy. 

Take control of the cuddle. You be the spooner, i'll be the spoonee, boy. Let's take this relationship from Park Chan-wook's Oldboy to Anthony Bordain's Parts Unknown, boy. And when your friends call with some plans on the town, put that phone under the pillow, boy. 

'Cause this is what it's all about, baby. 5% lovin', 40% cuddles, the rest is just drama, boy. Don't you know that, boy? Damn, just sit, boy, be my toy, boy. 

When it's morning, boy - leave me. Don't say goodbye, no kisses, I understand what it isn't. But be back by 4, and bring me some popcorn? Heck, it's $4.95 - bring me a couple. Boy make me chuckle, pretend we're a couple, if we argue console me with tears make me chuckle. Damn, can't you see the value, boy? Netflix and some cuddles that's the answer, boy. 

Come by my room, boy. Enjoy it. Time for you to play toy, boy. 

New Event: Parent Visit

Teen at Mike's Pizza: "Nom. Nom. Baarf squfshkrll"

It's the morning's first hour on Main Street just past the Mad River. Officers are appreciative spectators of a young brunette wearing, as far as the officers' knowledge allows, a dark trash bag and some face paint.

"I'm so hungry. I want Mikes now." Pronounced "Ish bish bagooby, hooby dooby doo." It's all Officer Chris Riley heard before little lady blew spit all up the wall.

"Move along young lady. Past your bedtime."

From across the way someone from inside Mad River saw what was happening and rushed out to help. "What the - where do you think you're going get back inside. You're good for two or three more drinks girl!"

"Now wait a minute buster, did you check her ID? She looks underage to me."

Girl: "I'm 18." Pronounced "I'm 21."

The officers closed up their shop for the night. It was late, too late. "Well alright then. Get moving. And don't let me see you this drunk out here again, little darlin'."

"Yes sir." Pronounced "Fuck off."

New Character: Sneaky Happy Hour SOB

New Event: Netflix Weekend Bing

New Character : Unemployed Recent College Graduate

SJU Girl on YikYak: "Do it!" SJU Boy on YikYak: "Yea, do it!"

*PROMOTION

Do You Have Questions? Fears? Are You Lonely? 

-->  PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE? <---

introducing.......

YIKYAK! 

(crowd murmurs) "What's that?" "WEEE!" "YikYak!" "Am I the only one alone tonight?" "You are!" 

 Schoolboys! Wishers! Dreamers! Livers Learners Loners! 

did we mention this paranoia driven emotional roller coaster is FREE FREE FREE?! 

Kelly Ann Shimpsky (Anonymous) : "Yesterday I asked YikYak a really naughty question. I would never ever ask a friend that in real life. I'm just not that type of gal!" 

Billy Jean Jack (Anonymous) : "I use YikYak to vent about roommate problems! It's so effective, like, my roommate totally probly thinks it's me - that'll get 'im! 

YikYak is the newest lovechild of web 2.0 technology and teen angst. Such features as:

• Pose as anyone! 
• Geotag, but not really! 
• See what's wrong with the college experience NATIONWIDE! Your pick, sport! 
• Upvote, or (ruh-roh scooby doo!) Downvote!

But wait, there's more! YikYak only welcomes "quality content". If you're not cool, you're suspended! And hey you High School kids, scram! No kiddy drama welcome here!

And guess what? "what?!" It works works works! Just take a look at some of these Yaks! Cool!!!!!!

"When are the PhillyU girls gonna realize the guys are their school are a bunch of mouthbreathers and that they move on to the SJU guys?" +2  Nice! So True! 

"The minute school started I stopped trying." +12 Haha, that's the way! Get them!

"Manayunk is tainted with hipsters. Thanks PhilaU." +16 Good one, SJU! Let's see this rivalry play out on the gridiron! Grrr! 

YIKYAK

'Kind of like Twitter, Mixed with some Reddit, sprinkled with some human development flaws'